11/14/15

Again this is how I felt at this time. This day and whole week after.

So I was all alone in Spain, realizing that you know who was never going to pursue me, or at least that is where my extremes lead, also realizing that my time in Europe was coming to a close, and I was about to start my period. I got to be pretty low pretty fast. Then over the next week touring with my Dad I really felt the weight of not being desirable to someone who I thought so highly of. To be honest he has been the best motivation I have had thus far. Just seeing him again this weekend was enough to get me going once again.

To be honest now I am at a much better place then I have been since November. I was truly affected by a lack of hope of attracting someone. Then I see my family and they are all so established. They are married with kids and I am stuck where I am, and it is not like anything is going to change tomorrow. If I loose weight, that will take months, if I get a boyfriend that will take weeks. I feel very stuck a lot of the time. Christmas day was the worst. Because my emotion have been so raw the tired, sick and hungry principal has been in almost constant supply. Being with family that was soooo particular didn't help my desires to fight back, but they were completely unfounded. I was so sensitive that anything having to do with family set me off. Then just last week I was truly saddened by not getting a job I wanted and I don't know what justification I was looking for but I was not getting it from my sweet mother. I couldn't explain to her that I felt depressed but I knew I didn't have depression. She didn't understand and so I have decided to fake it till I make it. There is only so far crying to my mother can go so I will just have to wait and see how I can turn myself around and be healthy.

Being Desirable vs. Being Ugly

So the next few posts are reflections on the last few months.

After talking with my lovely guy friends on study abroad it made me reflect on what guys want. Well more like they told me what they want. I have always had a problem with he idea of locking eyes with someone across the room and then having it be all down here from there. After a few years of going to dances I decided that was never going to be a possibility for me. To be honest that is kind of a hard thing to realize. Every girl wants to be immediately attractive to someone. And I realized that was not me.

Normally in a situation like this my self-esteem plummets and goes straight to thoughts of just being plain old ugly. I go all the way to the bottom of the bin. The difference this time was that I realized I wasn't ugly I just am not immediately desirable. That experience of catching eyes across the room was never going to happen to me as long as I don't have the whole package. To put it bluntly for as long as I weigh 186 lbs. To be honest this is the best motivation I have ever had. I don't feel completely unattractive, just initially.

Now since that realization I feel that I have had more success, but of course it has not been 100%. This idea had made some of my struggles much easier because that are not as severe. I have high hopes that over time I can see how this change has affected me.