2/14/16

The lead up to Valentine's Day was hard. I realized that study abroad boy wasn't going to pursue me and that we were definitely just friends. I was crushed and I was at the same place I had been in the middle of November. I had no desire or motivation for just about anything especially the idea of pursuing anyone! These people thoughts were also mixed up with so many thoughts for my future. There are so many decisions to make in my life over the next year. The thing I have realized the most is that I never thought that I would be single when I graduate and that I wasn't planning on pursuing a real career because I thought I was going to be mother. Over those weeks I needed to realize that I needed to be ok with the idea of being single when I graduate. Now this was not an easy thing to do. I really grappled with this idea. Then when I received my Valentine's Day package I realized that I had the choice to be happy even on a day as silly as Valentine's Day. So I made the choice and I changed. Of course I am not perfectly happy all of  the time, but there has been a huge difference. I am so much healthier emotionally for it. I am hopeful that this will bring about a good change for the future, to help the lows not be so low and for the highs to be even higher.

11/14/15

Again this is how I felt at this time. This day and whole week after.

So I was all alone in Spain, realizing that you know who was never going to pursue me, or at least that is where my extremes lead, also realizing that my time in Europe was coming to a close, and I was about to start my period. I got to be pretty low pretty fast. Then over the next week touring with my Dad I really felt the weight of not being desirable to someone who I thought so highly of. To be honest he has been the best motivation I have had thus far. Just seeing him again this weekend was enough to get me going once again.

To be honest now I am at a much better place then I have been since November. I was truly affected by a lack of hope of attracting someone. Then I see my family and they are all so established. They are married with kids and I am stuck where I am, and it is not like anything is going to change tomorrow. If I loose weight, that will take months, if I get a boyfriend that will take weeks. I feel very stuck a lot of the time. Christmas day was the worst. Because my emotion have been so raw the tired, sick and hungry principal has been in almost constant supply. Being with family that was soooo particular didn't help my desires to fight back, but they were completely unfounded. I was so sensitive that anything having to do with family set me off. Then just last week I was truly saddened by not getting a job I wanted and I don't know what justification I was looking for but I was not getting it from my sweet mother. I couldn't explain to her that I felt depressed but I knew I didn't have depression. She didn't understand and so I have decided to fake it till I make it. There is only so far crying to my mother can go so I will just have to wait and see how I can turn myself around and be healthy.

Being Desirable vs. Being Ugly

So the next few posts are reflections on the last few months.

After talking with my lovely guy friends on study abroad it made me reflect on what guys want. Well more like they told me what they want. I have always had a problem with he idea of locking eyes with someone across the room and then having it be all down here from there. After a few years of going to dances I decided that was never going to be a possibility for me. To be honest that is kind of a hard thing to realize. Every girl wants to be immediately attractive to someone. And I realized that was not me.

Normally in a situation like this my self-esteem plummets and goes straight to thoughts of just being plain old ugly. I go all the way to the bottom of the bin. The difference this time was that I realized I wasn't ugly I just am not immediately desirable. That experience of catching eyes across the room was never going to happen to me as long as I don't have the whole package. To put it bluntly for as long as I weigh 186 lbs. To be honest this is the best motivation I have ever had. I don't feel completely unattractive, just initially.

Now since that realization I feel that I have had more success, but of course it has not been 100%. This idea had made some of my struggles much easier because that are not as severe. I have high hopes that over time I can see how this change has affected me.

10/3/15

So I woke up today feeling the same as I did yesterday. It all started with a picture I saw of some of the girlsand myself on alyssa's phone 10/2. We visited this beautiful palace where I could really imagine my self being a princess, so of course we took a picture out front.

When I saw the picture I looked huge. I don't know if it is just my comparison with everyone else, which I know is a bad thing to do, or it is just how I perceive myself.

That is what bugs me the most is that it takes 1 second for me to knock down all of the emtional strength that I have had. It is funny because just a week ago I was talking with Kristen about all of these same things and how I have to conquer them mentally, but then I get to a point like this and I can just have no way to think positively about my body type. 

My worst thought was "How could the boy I like ever like me back?" Look at those line of girls, why would anyone pick me out of that lineup. I think that is one of the hardest thoughts. I don't do well with so little to encourage me.

Now this is not a motivator to "accept my body type and not change" I think that is a foolish mentally, but I hope to always look for and work toward my potential. Then today I also realized that if I need to get skinny in order to be happy with the way I look in picture, what about when I get baby weight and see my picture then. I don't have a plan but I do understand that this could be a problem on the future.

And no one can truly understand. I don't need a pep talk, I need a change. I want to talk to everyone about it, but they never actually make me feel better. That is ok, I don't expect them to know me perfectly, but it is hard to feel alone. The joy is I know that Christ helps me through it.