11/14/15

Again this is how I felt at this time. This day and whole week after.

So I was all alone in Spain, realizing that you know who was never going to pursue me, or at least that is where my extremes lead, also realizing that my time in Europe was coming to a close, and I was about to start my period. I got to be pretty low pretty fast. Then over the next week touring with my Dad I really felt the weight of not being desirable to someone who I thought so highly of. To be honest he has been the best motivation I have had thus far. Just seeing him again this weekend was enough to get me going once again.

To be honest now I am at a much better place then I have been since November. I was truly affected by a lack of hope of attracting someone. Then I see my family and they are all so established. They are married with kids and I am stuck where I am, and it is not like anything is going to change tomorrow. If I loose weight, that will take months, if I get a boyfriend that will take weeks. I feel very stuck a lot of the time. Christmas day was the worst. Because my emotion have been so raw the tired, sick and hungry principal has been in almost constant supply. Being with family that was soooo particular didn't help my desires to fight back, but they were completely unfounded. I was so sensitive that anything having to do with family set me off. Then just last week I was truly saddened by not getting a job I wanted and I don't know what justification I was looking for but I was not getting it from my sweet mother. I couldn't explain to her that I felt depressed but I knew I didn't have depression. She didn't understand and so I have decided to fake it till I make it. There is only so far crying to my mother can go so I will just have to wait and see how I can turn myself around and be healthy.